I didn’t Know what I Put at Stake

I can't make people Value me. All I can do is show them Who I am, what I Feel. It's up to them to realise my Worth.
I was losing myself; didn’t care about what I put at stake
I was being pushed deep down the dirty drain with false allegations & hurtful blames
I struggled hard to satisfy them; gave away everything I had
I tried my best to deny the complaints but only to have them amplified

I got up after every hard blow but the blows became harder to bear
I wound myself in a lonely shell, but only to be knocked down with a brutal tear
I was numb with their despicable outrage
They say with time everything wears out
But the only thing that went by was my age

They doubted my sanity, convinced my love I was mentally ill
My heart bled; I was a post graduate with subjects failed in nil
I was losing myself but had a strong hope that truth will prevail
I turned weak & didn’t realise I stooped too much instead of bend
I was losing my worth & love for self
Am I really abnormal & so bad? – were the only questions I ever had
I was losing myself; didn’t realise what I put at stake

I was made to fast & wear some stones
To put some sanity & purity in my soul
I did it all to convince my love
I was there & waiting just for you
Please be back & trust me soon
It’s hurting me no end; don’t you believe me or have I lost again?
I kept waiting for the call to get answered
Why didn’t you pick up & end the mystery?
Was I so threatening or you wanted to see me in misery?

I am losing myself, waiting only for the hope
Only to realise the months flew by with darkness to grope
Where are you, why did you leave me?
They said, “Come on son! Chuck her; treat her with your silence & be happy!”
They screamed & hurled bad words in his absence
There was no means to hold his hand & get in touch, other than just pray
But I had faith & a strong hope that our love will definitely pay

My sanity was questioned time & again; I didn’t know what I put at stake
It was the end of a year & was yet to hear from my dear
Hope was wearing away, leaving deep scars on my thin protective shell
I was sinking but still kept trying to prove myself
Then I learnt I had nothing to wait for, there was no one coming to take me
I now realised what I had lost & how much I put at stake

I discarded my worth & pushed respect out of my soul
Only for a promise that he had once made
My sanity is doubted till date; I still don’t know what they thought I would partake…


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ananya Kiran
    Jul 01, 2015 @ 00:51:16

    Wow This is an intense poem..love d way u penned it. And yes it reminds me of the Kannada song mentioned by Anand.

    My First Vlog

    Liked by 1 person


  2. I- read
    Feb 13, 2015 @ 10:40:16

    This is beautiful dear, wow, I loved it all the way…

    Liked by 1 person


  3. Anand Maralad
    Feb 10, 2015 @ 14:53:51

    He did not know soul was put at stake,
    You did not know no fruit in wait;

    Liked by 1 person


    • Torque Earnest
      Feb 11, 2015 @ 10:48:04

      Am happy you got the essence Mr. Maralad. Thank you!



      • Anand Maralad
        Feb 11, 2015 @ 14:03:21

        Your poem reminded me of Sita waiting for Rama. But the person in your poem did not turn out to be a Rama (and behaved like the laundry man!)

        In case you understand Kannada, watch this song. The essence of your poem and this song is same. (It is from a super hit movie in 1970’s with its plot/theme same as your poem).

        Liked by 1 person


        • Torque Earnest
          Feb 12, 2015 @ 10:16:54

          Dear Mr. AM, I feel honoured that my poem reminds you of something so epic as the Ramayana ๐Ÿ™‚ Sita lost everything in spite of being true to her husband & conscience just because her husband had to prove a point.

          As for the person in my poem, it is dedicated to all those newly married Indian girls whose life is made a living hell by non-supportive, manipulative & insecure in-laws. I wonder if God has a reason behind making innocent girls, who sacrifice everything, go through such trying times. I wish the suffering better be worthwhile because no woman deserves to suffer in a cruelly patriarchal world for no fault of hers!

          Thanks for writing in. Though I do not understand Kannada, I shall watch the video & get back to you ๐Ÿ™‚



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