Looking for my Worth on the Highway

Trakiya highway in Bulgaria
Sitting at the window sill overlooking the NH4 highway… There’s a road that joins the two important cities. I wonder if there’s any path that joins two hearts. Two stranded hearts one of which is sinking with no hope and the other misguided with… It is a difficult phase that tears you apart when you are helpless and know there’s nothing to look forward to. The failure of a pure love and a trust that comes with a bond. Depression and nothing else becomes your companion.

The feeling of morose is so overwhelming that you turn blind towards your achievements and forget the worth you have. No amount of consoling words help you when someone repeatedly betrays your trust and punishes you for sins you don’t even know you have committed. The achievements and accolades of years fade in front of the grief of being abandoned. I like my solitude but feel lonely. I followed my principles and many a times bent too to save the disaster. Isn’t it heart wrenching when people don’t understand the difference between ego and self respect?

The number of males is more in my country than females. I also know that there fewer men who stand up for themselves if not for the right. I wish I too had a support when injustice had captured me in those four walls. I kept waiting for him to come and there wasn’t even a phone call. I kept my faith. A firm belief that he hadn’t earned. May be that’s where I was wrong but am happy I fulfilled my part of the promise. I never went out of communication. I tried and kept trying but as they say poison is stronger than any emotional string… The path between the two hearts were broken and poisoned beyond measure.

The highway is always busy but the two ends remain the same. The two cities that it connects are there to complete the journey. But I am lost and wish no one loses their path that connects their heart to that one person for whom you can sacrifice anything. Let me get up and find my worth. It has lost somewhere on the highway. An accident that cannot repair the damage it caused.

Love is Not a Competition

It was pouring heavily and the visibility was blurred and hazy. The view from the hill top by the highway was dreamlike. The wind was strong. Doe, the doe-eyed deer stood there and gazed into oblivion. She was a plump, honey coloured deer with beautiful, expressive eyes and silky hair.

Cheff once told her, her ex mate, that he was deeply embarrassed to go out with her because she was a little hairy. Never had anyone been so brutally honest and forthright about their disliking before. It was true that she was a little hairy but she thought every deer is… Cheff loved her but with a ‘conditions apply’ tag. Doe loved him dearly and hence his disapproval of her physical shortcoming made her conscious and she observed his female friends closely to try and imbibe something like-able from them considering the maximum time Cheff hung around with. Cheff and his friends belonged to the same profession – the fashion industry.

Doe with Cheff in happy times.

Doe with Cheff in happy times.

Doe wondered how immaculate the other she deers were in their appearance, the perfectly fitted dressing styles, the perfect make-up and well waxed limbs… She had started to forget herself and became oblivious of her own beauty. She used to be the ugly duckling in her growing up days but then she turned into a very pleasant, moonlight beauty now with gorgeous flowing long hair. It was a pity that Cheff had no idea how his casual and caustic remarks affected Doe. His nasty comments on her personality and looks filled her eyes each time when Doe tried to deck herself up for going out with him, so that he doesn’t feel embarrassed.

There was one particular deer who hovered around Cheff all the time. Be it club or parties, Snobby ensured she hogged all the attention and was intimately close enough to him for anyone to mistake her as his mate. This disturbed Doe a lot & she voiced her concern to Cheff one day. But alas! Cheff snubbed at her calling her a filthy jealous female & defied her unabashedly.

Doe didn’t know what to do, she felt hugely insulted and low the way Snobby took full advantage of Cheff’s disregard to her. Doe wept in solitude and tried ignoring Snobby’s overpowering presence in her life. But Snobby had her fan following and a barrage of admirers in the fashion club; who were always too eager to start up any discussion possible to grab her attention and hit on her. Snobby loved it and savoured it all. She threw deliberate tantrums to make them addicted to her. And all her activities screamed of narcissism, so all in all this addiction for constant appreciation was mutual. Doe couldn’t care less for her but yet she had to bear all this because Cheff was very much a party to it. Her heart sank and it had started to show on her.

Doe walks into the forest alone for starting her treatment as told by the forest doctor.

Things between Doe and Cheff started becoming muddled because of his abusive behaviour and uncanny habit of bringing in Snobby in every little fight they had. Doe fell sick and had to go in isolation for recuperation. It was an age old method the forest doctor prescribed for patients suffering from Doe’s condition. The thought of leaving Cheff in such a volatile phase of their new relationship shook her and she tried to delay moving out but things just got worse. She had to leave.

Few months passed by and it was that day of the year where Snobby displayed scores of pictures of her and openly showcased her popularity, her birthday. Doe remembered and she always believed birthdays are meant to be celebrated by others & everyone deserved to be wished. It was months living in isolation and no one checked on her, not even Cheff. She missed him badly and thought of going to the club to wish Snobby first, and then go home to Cheff.

Doe collected very pretty flowers from the wild on her way back for Snobby. She was happy thinking of Cheff. After a long journey she reached their frequented club and before going inside Doe realised she was too simply dressed for the occasion and remembering the party crowd she dropped in to the close by parlour and waxed and did her hair. Now she was all ready to turn heads. She looked her prettiest best and glowing with happiness thinking of Cheff.

A heartbroken Doe walking out alone.

Doe reached the club and dashed inside in hurry to quickly wish Snobby and leave for home. She managed to escape everyone’s eyes and reached the table where there was the huge and beautifully decorated cake. And there was Snobby in a gorgeous gown looking like a princess and the most beautiful deer in the hall… But Doe’s eyes were brimming with tears when she saw a familiar handsome deer hugging her with the most lovely smile she had ever seen in a long time. It was her Cheff… Doe quietly left the club with tears rolling down her honey coloured cheeks.

It was still raining & Doe’s phone received an SMS catching a fluctuating network signal on the hill top. Her gaze was broken and she checked her phone. It read, “I have always loved you for what you are… Moonlight beauty in the darkest hour… It was an occasion to celebrate yesterday; sorry to wish you a belated happy birthday…”

To a Beloved Husband

I love with passion, hate with caution, go all out for my beloved…
He is a good man, has a child-like heart, needs to grow up to handle a strong woman…

Headstrong I am but also sensitive, show I not coz it is my defence, I need to soften up & adjust just a bit…
But so does he coz his defence is a bad tongue & oh! it hits…

Sad I am for the clashes of our two hearts,
But understand it’s a girl’s dignity at stake, request you not fun to make

Trusted deeply & loved no end, faith galore & ego to bend…
Hurt me not dear I am there to fend, be polite & ways you mend

A wife I am, no girlfriend to hide… Be a man & learn to ride
It is you & me & the wedding vow, Not others to interfere & cause you to woo

Hamper not my self respect, take care of your mouth,
I am a woman of honour, not a door mat you bought

Away will I go & leave you at peace, Coz it’s deep love for you that I can’t grieve…
Will you be alright & value my sacrifice? Once I go, I might not look back twice…

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