Looking for my Worth on the Highway

Trakiya highway in Bulgaria
Sitting at the window sill overlooking the NH4 highway… There’s a road that joins the two important cities. I wonder if there’s any path that joins two hearts. Two stranded hearts one of which is sinking with no hope and the other misguided with… It is a difficult phase that tears you apart when you are helpless and know there’s nothing to look forward to. The failure of a pure love and a trust that comes with a bond. Depression and nothing else becomes your companion.

The feeling of morose is so overwhelming that you turn blind towards your achievements and forget the worth you have. No amount of consoling words help you when someone repeatedly betrays your trust and punishes you for sins you don’t even know you have committed. The achievements and accolades of years fade in front of the grief of being abandoned. I like my solitude but feel lonely. I followed my principles and many a times bent too to save the disaster. Isn’t it heart wrenching when people don’t understand the difference between ego and self respect?

The number of males is more in my country than females. I also know that there fewer men who stand up for themselves if not for the right. I wish I too had a support when injustice had captured me in those four walls. I kept waiting for him to come and there wasn’t even a phone call. I kept my faith. A firm belief that he hadn’t earned. May be that’s where I was wrong but am happy I fulfilled my part of the promise. I never went out of communication. I tried and kept trying but as they say poison is stronger than any emotional string… The path between the two hearts were broken and poisoned beyond measure.

The highway is always busy but the two ends remain the same. The two cities that it connects are there to complete the journey. But I am lost and wish no one loses their path that connects their heart to that one person for whom you can sacrifice anything. Let me get up and find my worth. It has lost somewhere on the highway. An accident that cannot repair the damage it caused.

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Look into my Eyes and tell

Look into my eyes; tell me I am a liar
Test my character; tell me I am a cheater
Fiddle around with verity; tell me I am a player
Try my patience; tell me I am rash
Peep into my heart; tell me I am happy
Look for a true companion; tell me I am not one
Fall in bad times; don’t you see me around?
Put your ego aside; am I not down to the ground?
Seek my love, is it too remote to find?
Why not try again; but you seem to mind!
It’s not you I know; and it isn’t somebody else that knows.

Ask for a link; you’ll find many
Look for a chance; you’ll get many
It’s only the will it takes, not an ounce of money
Look into my eyes; tell me I am a liar
Ask your conscience; tell me if it’s true
You never loved me, did you really do?

Love is Not a Competition

It was pouring heavily and the visibility was blurred and hazy. The view from the hill top by the highway was dreamlike. The wind was strong. Doe, the doe-eyed deer stood there and gazed into oblivion. She was a plump, honey coloured deer with beautiful, expressive eyes and silky hair.

Cheff once told her, her ex mate, that he was deeply embarrassed to go out with her because she was a little hairy. Never had anyone been so brutally honest and forthright about their disliking before. It was true that she was a little hairy but she thought every deer is… Cheff loved her but with a ‘conditions apply’ tag. Doe loved him dearly and hence his disapproval of her physical shortcoming made her conscious and she observed his female friends closely to try and imbibe something like-able from them considering the maximum time Cheff hung around with. Cheff and his friends belonged to the same profession – the fashion industry.

Doe with Cheff in happy times.

Doe with Cheff in happy times.

Doe wondered how immaculate the other she deers were in their appearance, the perfectly fitted dressing styles, the perfect make-up and well waxed limbs… She had started to forget herself and became oblivious of her own beauty. She used to be the ugly duckling in her growing up days but then she turned into a very pleasant, moonlight beauty now with gorgeous flowing long hair. It was a pity that Cheff had no idea how his casual and caustic remarks affected Doe. His nasty comments on her personality and looks filled her eyes each time when Doe tried to deck herself up for going out with him, so that he doesn’t feel embarrassed.

There was one particular deer who hovered around Cheff all the time. Be it club or parties, Snobby ensured she hogged all the attention and was intimately close enough to him for anyone to mistake her as his mate. This disturbed Doe a lot & she voiced her concern to Cheff one day. But alas! Cheff snubbed at her calling her a filthy jealous female & defied her unabashedly.

Doe didn’t know what to do, she felt hugely insulted and low the way Snobby took full advantage of Cheff’s disregard to her. Doe wept in solitude and tried ignoring Snobby’s overpowering presence in her life. But Snobby had her fan following and a barrage of admirers in the fashion club; who were always too eager to start up any discussion possible to grab her attention and hit on her. Snobby loved it and savoured it all. She threw deliberate tantrums to make them addicted to her. And all her activities screamed of narcissism, so all in all this addiction for constant appreciation was mutual. Doe couldn’t care less for her but yet she had to bear all this because Cheff was very much a party to it. Her heart sank and it had started to show on her.

Doe walks into the forest alone for starting her treatment as told by the forest doctor.

Things between Doe and Cheff started becoming muddled because of his abusive behaviour and uncanny habit of bringing in Snobby in every little fight they had. Doe fell sick and had to go in isolation for recuperation. It was an age old method the forest doctor prescribed for patients suffering from Doe’s condition. The thought of leaving Cheff in such a volatile phase of their new relationship shook her and she tried to delay moving out but things just got worse. She had to leave.

Few months passed by and it was that day of the year where Snobby displayed scores of pictures of her and openly showcased her popularity, her birthday. Doe remembered and she always believed birthdays are meant to be celebrated by others & everyone deserved to be wished. It was months living in isolation and no one checked on her, not even Cheff. She missed him badly and thought of going to the club to wish Snobby first, and then go home to Cheff.

Doe collected very pretty flowers from the wild on her way back for Snobby. She was happy thinking of Cheff. After a long journey she reached their frequented club and before going inside Doe realised she was too simply dressed for the occasion and remembering the party crowd she dropped in to the close by parlour and waxed and did her hair. Now she was all ready to turn heads. She looked her prettiest best and glowing with happiness thinking of Cheff.

A heartbroken Doe walking out alone.

Doe reached the club and dashed inside in hurry to quickly wish Snobby and leave for home. She managed to escape everyone’s eyes and reached the table where there was the huge and beautifully decorated cake. And there was Snobby in a gorgeous gown looking like a princess and the most beautiful deer in the hall… But Doe’s eyes were brimming with tears when she saw a familiar handsome deer hugging her with the most lovely smile she had ever seen in a long time. It was her Cheff… Doe quietly left the club with tears rolling down her honey coloured cheeks.

It was still raining & Doe’s phone received an SMS catching a fluctuating network signal on the hill top. Her gaze was broken and she checked her phone. It read, “I have always loved you for what you are… Moonlight beauty in the darkest hour… It was an occasion to celebrate yesterday; sorry to wish you a belated happy birthday…”

There’s a Void

lonely girl, sad love, separation quote

There’s a void, an emptiness
Wondering what went wrong when there was so much happiness…

Hope seems to be laughing at me
As if it knew what the result would be…

Time flew as it does
Now there’s no turning back as I blush
There’s a shame more than pain
Coz I pushed myself & gave a lot
But all in vain, all in vain…

The wait was long & painfully so
Will it happen or will it not?
Will he come or will he not?
Does he miss me or does he not?
No answers, but only hope to sow…

Tears washed away the fears
Strength regained by meeting peers
Work gave a renowned assurance
Money built up my distorted cheer…

It is finally the end, with lack of speculation & trend
May God bless us in this sensitive spell
As it may break the belief in love
After all, what’s left when the ego gains
And the poor heart is left to drain…

Nothing is unexpected or new
A known process of reverse bloom
Yet now there’s an emptiness
Wondering what went wrong when there was so much happiness…

Sometimes you just have to Give up

sad woman in black-and-white
Sometimes you just have to give up…
You can’t keep tolerating being taken undue advantage of
You can’t keep taking shit for something you don’t deserve
You have to call it quits when someone repeatedly strips you off your dignity in front of others
You need to say No to abuse when the person doesn’t realise his words tear you apart
Sometimes you just need to give up…

I am not God, neither am I so strong to bear the insults time and again
It hurts, r e a l bad when you don’t take me with you, when you just abandon me
It hurts when you stop communicating, it hurts when you party without me
It tears me apart when you don’t care, I cry & cry no end till my eyes hurt
I am not a God but a miserable wife in love…

I can understand you don’t miss me, but I can’t understand why you married me
I know you don’t want me, but I don’t understand why you married me
I can feel your hatred and dislike, and that I don’t even deserve to know why
Sometimes you just have to give up…

I feel shattered and totally tattered in my new saree
No happiness no peace because of the harrowing emptiness
All my sacrifices going down the drain
How I wish it all went away with the rain…

I am not a manipulative liar, nor am I after your money
Just a crazy wife in love who kept waiting to be taken along
I never wanted you to be trouble, patiently prayed for a good job opportunity
I was ready to wait, didn’t know it would be for eternity…

Sometimes you just have to give up, BUT
I never thought you would be the one to give up…